How to Talk to Kids About Violence

Current events of violence, war, and racism may make your child feel uneasy, confused, or unsafe. While children of different ages process tragic events differently, they still look up to their parents, guardians, and teachers for reassurance. To deal with tragic events happening at home and abroad, parents need support and guidance for ways to talk to their children.

With children back at school, gun violence is among the top concerns for parents. According to the recent U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents, school shootings are a significant source of stress for nearly 3 in 4 parents.

Similarly, the U.S Surgeon General’s Advisory on Protecting Youth Mental Health published in 2021 suggests social and economic inequalities, discrimination, racism, and safety are factors that can have negative long-lasting effects on the mental health of young people.  

“Parents are worried about school shootings and the likelihood that there will be more, so they are concerned about their kids’ safety,” says Gene Beresin, MD, MA, a Mass General Brigham child and adolescent psychiatrist. Dr. Beresin is the executive director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital.

Dr. Beresin shares strategies to talk to children of different ages about violence, and different ways in which parents can create safe spaces to have difficult conversations at home.

How to talk to kids of different ages about violence

Parents can tailor their approach to conversation with children based on their age, development, and the environment in which they’ve grown up. Remember that what works for a 7-year-old may not work the same for a 16-year-old.

Having conversations with your children about violent events that they see on TV or social media can be difficult. One of the most important strategies for you to talk about violence with your child is creating a safe space. Be open and patient to hear your children’s opinions and concerns, and validate their emotions.

Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about violence

Here’s what you can do to support young children:

• Watch how you react to the news. Younger children can’t yet put into perspective what they are watching or hearing. They look up to your reactions to understand if something good or bad is happening. They are far more influenced by your responses as a parent than by anything or anyone else. 
  
  
• Be patient and reassuring. Help your children feel safe by explaining the ways in which they are protected at home and school. “You might say that though scary things are happening, there are many more good people than bad, and our leaders are doing everything they can to take care of us,” suggests Dr. Beresin. 
  
  
• Remind them that they are safe. If a recent event happened far away, remind your child of the distance to comfort them. For families that live in places with higher violence rates, share tips to stay safe. For example, encourage them to find a trusted adult, like a neighbor, teacher, pastor, or police officer, if they’re in danger, or help them understand who to contact in an emergency.
  
  
• Avoid watching or listening to news near your child. Children may get frightened by the images they see on TV or your phone. “If you want to watch or listen to the news, do it without your children nearby. And be aware that they are listening! If you have conversations with your partner or an older sibling, remember that little ones have big ears and may not understand, or worse, become more afraid of what they hear,” explains Dr. Beresin.  

Talking to grade school children about violence

Here’s how to connect with older children:

• Filter news coverage. Children are exposed to different sorts of information through social media, TV, or friends. “Monitor which sites your children visit online and consider using parental controls. Please do not spy on them,” Dr. Beresin warns. “They need to trust you and appreciate that you value their privacy. However, it is always important to have conversations about where they are going online or in their social media apps, and even ask them to show you.” 
  
  
• Be patient. It is possible that your children will ask the same questions multiple times. You can reassure them they can trust you by patiently answering their questions.
  
  
• Let them express themselves through creativity or play. Children often express their thoughts and work through their anxieties by recreating images they have seen. This can give you a better understanding of what they might be experiencing. So, if there is a school shooting, they may play the role of first responders, rescuing kids and teachers, sometimes repeatedly. This is normal and healthy for them, even if they play the same scenes over and over. 
  
  
• Talk about how to express and manage anger. Children are exposed to adults getting angry or acting violent on TV. Talk with them about how they can express their anger and remind them it is never okay to respond with violence.

How to talk to teens about violence

Here are strategies to talk to teens and help them feel understood:

• Listen and welcome their ideas. Teenagers want to be heard. If you’re discussing a recent event with another adult, let your teenager speak, listen, and respond to them. Make the conversation mutual and react to them with interest, curiosity, and ask reflective and open-ended questions. Allowing them to speak creates a safe space for them and gives them the opportunity to do it again.
  
  “Ask them about their worries and struggles,” says Dr. Beresin. “Validate their experiences and listen attentively to them.” Remember these conversations are part of a marathon, not a sprint. Short, thoughtful conversations over time are much more valuable that trying to have a long “meeting.” “If you call your conversation a meeting, you are likely to get an eyeroll,” he adds. 
  
  
• Watch the news with them. Teenagers can understand difficult issues, but they might need some support to process. Comment together on what you are seeing in the media and encourage them to limit their exposure to news online. 
  
  
• Encourage them to take a break from social media. It can be overwhelming for teens to be exposed to too much content related to violence. Talk to your teens about taking a break and spending time in their community. “Tell them to put down social media and spend time with others,” adds Dr. Beresin. “Those who are more engaged and contribute to their community are happier and less lonely.” But remember, no teen responds to censorship or prohibition, and they may respond with defiant behavior. Simply discuss the merits and liabilities of talking with their friends online vs. in person. 
  
  
• Help them find reputable sources and limit certain content online. It may be difficult for teens to filter through all the information found on social media, the internet, TV, friends, and family. It is important to know what they are reading online, and if they are willing to share that, go over it with them and consider together what is useful and reliable. Be patient to find trustworthy sources that they can rely on, and work with them to identify misinformation.
  
  
• Discuss the risks for people of color. Recent events of racialized violence and discrimination might upset your teen. In addition, they may be upset by violence related to spiritual, cultural, and/or ethnic groups. Though recently parents of color and of Asian descent need to have these conversations earlier, they should take place in all families regardless of their background. Moreover, the LGBTQIA+ community has been subject to violence both in word and deed – something very distressing to many teens, as well as caregivers. 
  
  
• Talk about activism. Teenagers might find themselves wanting to use their voice to communicate their opinions. No matter if it’s through protests, social media posts, or rallying a representative, they need your support to participate in a safe, non-violent,  and productive way.  

“Activism fosters exactly what is important for adolescent development: solidifying identity, feeling a part of a group, channeling rebellious impulses into something positive for themselves and society, improving personal expression, and enhancing intellectual growth,” says Dr. Beresin. “But it also requires adult supervision.”

How can parents best help children cope with violence?

Before helping your children navigate their emotions, it is important to take care of yourself first to be emotionally available. “By increasing our own awareness of our thoughts and feelings that are internal to us, we can regulate our own behavior and understand how that affects others,” says Dr. Beresin. 

Dr. Beresin urges parents to talk to others to find support. “We're not meant to be solo pilots. When we're engaged, we release oxytocin, which fosters connectedness,” says Dr. Beresin. “We also feel contained, supported, and trusted in others, and can have individuals that we know care and trust who can help guide us.”

Here are some strategies you can use to be ready to talk with children: 

• Find strategies to manage your anxiety and calm yourself down. Kids can notice when you feel anxious. The best way to help your children is to calm yourself first. You can use practices useful to you such as yoga, meditation, or journaling. 
  
  
• Talk with others. Talking with a partner or with other parents can be helpful to share experiences and ideas and can be beneficial to reduce anxiety. Some places parents can find help is through community groups, schools, or faith organizations.
  
  
• Practice safe gun-owning. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), unintentional injury is the top cause of death among children and adolescents aged 1 to 17. Always safely store guns at home away from your kids’ reach. Make sure your gun is unloaded, and that any ammunition is locked separately. 
  
  
• Talk to your kids about gun safety. Establishing rules about the storage, access, and use of firearms is crucial to make sure your children can’t get firearms without adult supervision.
  

When should parents seek professional help?

If you or your child are struggling with mental health problems such as depression or anxiety, reach out to your primary care provider (PCP) or pediatrician. A mental health professional can provide an evaluation and suggest a treatment plan best for you. 

“There are strategies to act, and if you really can't sort it all out, the most important thing is to seek professional help and talk to your primary care doctor about setting up a psychiatric appointment or a psychological evaluation,” adds Dr. Beresin.

Resources for parents and children dealing with violence and mental health

Resources available to parents and children looking for help dealing with violence and mental health include:

• The Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Mass General Brigham: An educational resource to parents and caregivers with trusted and engaging content to help you support young people’s mental health 
  
  
• The Resilience Project at Newton-Wellesley Hospital: Offers educational resources, clinical consultation, and support for parents, caregivers, and schools looking to increase the access to high-quality mental health care for young people
  
  
• McLean Hospital offers mental health support and resources for children of all ages.

“Sadly, our nation and world are riddled with violence,” says Dr. Beresin. “However, our mission to raise children to understand and practice conflict resolution in a positive way, and have civil conversations, is a fine way to help them become responsible adults who have ways of working with others in helpful, peaceful ways.”